Move on, or forward?

2015 was a big year for me. Banner type.

In February, I buried Gabriel.

In August, I defended myself before the UoN Senate. I still recall with clarity how shaky my voice and entire body were.

In September, they accepted me back into Engineering school, but it was too late in the year so my best bet was to join the incoming January class.

In November, I buried my Grandma. I couldn't fathom what it was to lose one's mum, but I saw it in my father's eyes all too well.

As is with death's insatiable nature, I lost my mama that December. I finally understood what it felt like to want your mum but not have her.

Grief is one of those things that you can't know about until you have to. Until you have a front row seat at the funeral, wishing for one more song, until the good guys at the funeral home ask you to confirm if it's your loved one in the casket before they hand them over to you, until you have to pick out an outfit, a soft pillow, one last pair of socks, a fluffy interior..... until then, consider yourself lucky that you aren't yet aware of the depths of your soul, the physical manifestation of emotional pain.

It is one of those multitasking things where you can laugh and cry, wish for life's end and continuance, want more and less, crave attention, affection and solitude all in one breath.

Grief is present, never past. You cannot move on from it, only forward with it. My boy and mama are here with me in this moment. They are in how I speak, how I move, how I respond, how I receive. I am because I loved them yet lost them. It is because of having him that I now hesitate a little when I see an infant, that I am a tad skeptical about subsequent pregnancies. My mum is with me everywhere I go - when I see a man I fancy, when my day isn't going well, when I'm browsing superstore aisles, trying to decide what to pick and what to leave behind. They are still so present for me. It's because of their life and love and deaths that I present myself in the way that I do.

They are very present for me; in the heartbreaks, though different, but similar in anatomy, in the love that I give oh so urgently, because I know what it is to want one last moment with someone.

Grief is an experience that marked me, and made me, and continues to do so without fail. From their life, and love, I am. Long after the last " I'm so sorry for your loss" or " do you want to talk about it", I still grieve. Permanently. And as life goes, more will be added to my grief pile. I'll bury more people, and people will bury me, and they'll go through these motions- I can only hope.

We don't look at people around us experiencing the wonders and joys of life and tell them to move on, do we? 10 years later, we still say happy birthday or anniversary and wish them many more. As we wish to move forward with joy, may we in the same measure carry grief.

Grief, to me, has been like falling in love, or being a new mom. You don't get it until you do it every single day. And when you think you're finally settling in the routine, it hits you with new dimensions.

Death, no matter how cruel it seems at first, is just as beautiful as life has been.